


Unconscious

by Crownonymous



Series: Whumptober 2019 [10]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, Whumptober 2019, pretty minor but just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21586408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crownonymous/pseuds/Crownonymous
Summary: He doesn’t belong here.He doesn’t belong with them.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton
Series: Whumptober 2019 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522484
Comments: 2
Kudos: 131





	Unconscious

**Author's Note:**

> Day 10 of Whumptober 2019. First posted onto my tumblr, now I'm crossposting here.

For once, Virgil beat his alarm clock. He managed to wake before the hellish ringing assaulted his ears. His room was quiet, it always was, and it always carried the feeling of cold. Of ice under his skin. Of isolation. He could wax poetic about it, compose an angsty sonnet about how his room was dark and bleary, but he just woke up. He was too tired for that. And too hungry.

It didn’t help that an appetising scent wafted up from underneath Virgil’s door and reminded him that he would absolutely fistfight someone to eat whatever the hell that was. So yeah, dark poetry filled with underlying tension and issues could wait, Virgil wanted to eat. He’d bet his left leg that Patton was the one who made breakfast.

Then again, Patton’s made breakfast for all of them every day for a year now. Oddly protective of the kitchen too. And made far too much than what was necessary. Whatever. If Logan or Roman weren’t going to have seconds, Virgil would eat their share too. His hoodie eased the chill of his room, and he bounded down the stairs with a little too much energy.

As expected, Patton bustled about in the kitchen, humming to Just Like Heaven. There were already three plates set out on the table stacked with golden-brown pancake topped with cut-up fruit, and Patton was working on a fourth. Logan was already seated, nose buried in a complicated book Virgil won’t even bother trying to understand. A cup of coffee was set beside Logan’s plate. It was already half-empty.

On Logan’s left was another plate with a fresh cup of coffee, still steaming. On Logan’s right was a glass of tea and empty space for a plate. Across from Logan was a waffle-stacked plate with what should be an illegal amount of whipped cream. Just looking at it gave Virgil diabetes. Sickening. Ugh.

“I see you’ve come to the same conclusion as I did over Patton’s choice of pancake topping,” Logan offered in lieu of a greeting. How he managed to side-eye Patton while still keeping his eyes trained on the pages of his book was beyond Virgil. “I’ve told him that if he wanted to put whipped cream on his pancakes, he should wait until after he put the powdered sugar.”

Virgil took a seat at the table, the spare seat with coffee set out. Patton put extra creamer in Virgil’s. The fact that Patton remembered how Virgil took his coffee was just warming. Adorable. Unfair. How was Virgil going to keep up the scary emo act now? “Patton’s going to put powdered sugar on his stack of pancakes?”

From the kitchen, Patton’s voice rang out, “Of course, kiddo! It’s always nice to give yourself a little treat, isn’t it?”

Virgil’s weight in whipped cream was probably excessive, but hey. Whatever Patton wanted to do.

The fourth plate was finished just as Roman popped in, dressed as immaculately as ever. “The Prince has arrived!” he sang with a dramatic pose.

“Hi Roman!!!” Paton waved excitedly. Logan reached out to balance the plate Patton had been carrying with one hand, his other still turning the book. “You’re just in the nick of time. I finished your plate.”

Patton set down a plate with a few extra slices of fruit. Patton and Roman took a seat. As soon as all four of them were settled, Logan shut the book, put it aside, and all four of them began to eat.

“So what’s with the meal, Padre?” Roman speared a piece of strawberry with his fork and waved it around. “Anything...special for today? Something that would warrant a celebration? A grand gesture perhaps?”

“A reason for the cake in the oven?” Logan supplied with a raised brow.

Virgil’s eyes darted over the three of them. They were acting a little weird, but then again, they had always been weird. Roman riffs at random intervals for no reason, Patton dances across the living room instead of walking, and Logan honest to God eats books. Straight up consumes them. Digests them like the paper was dipped in Crofter’s.

Then his eyes wandered around the living room. To the change of curtains to something a little more...purple-y. To the cute plates with bats circling the rim. To the purple carpet and the purple party streamers curled up on the ceiling. They were fucking weird, but they weren’t this weird. Virgil eyed the box on the other end of the house, sitting daintily beside the TV, almost out of sight.

Virgil rolled his eyes and took a bite of the pancakes. Heavenly. Decadent. He will shank an ancient emperor for these fucking pancakes. Delightful. Virgil pointed to the box by the TV. “A suspicious purple box that’s wrapped with a bow?”

Simultaneously, Patton, Roman, and Logan all whipped their heads to look at the box, then just as quickly whipped their heads to look away from it. Logan began to read his book again. Upside down. Roman was doing his best to cut waffles and eat the pieces as he stared at the ceiling. Patton is playing tic-tac-toe with his whipped cream/powdered sugar/syrup disaster.

“Seriously. Guys. What’s up with the box?” Virgil took another bite. “And the streamers and the plates and the curtain change.”

The three of them exchanged a glance. Patton nodded.

Roman stood up and straightened his sash. “Well, Virgil. It’s been quite a while since you’ve been one of us.”

“365 days, 8 hours, 36 minutes, to be precise.” Logan put his book down again.

Patton hurriedly scuttled over to the box, carrying it over to the table. “We wanted to show you how much you mean to us, Kiddo.”

Logan reached over and patted Virgil’s shoulder. “We are happy that you have joined us.”

“We wouldn’t be here without you, Hot Topic.”

Patton bounced up and down, professing the box for Virgil to take. “We just want you to know that we appreciate you, Virgil. For everything that you’ve done.” Virgil smiled. He reached out and held the box in his hands, pulled the ribbon off. Slowly slid the lid open.

Virgil awoke with a gasp, heart thrumming, skin tingling with warmth that rapidly faded away.

Fuck.

Fuck.

FUCK.

It was one thing for Roman to hurl insult after insult at him. It was one thing for Logan to continually point out that Virgil was being too much, too much, too much, all the goddamn time. It was one thing for Patton to constantly scream and jump back every time he appeared.

It was one thing for Thomas to tell him over and over again that he was not wanted, that what he contributed was not wanted, that his existence was not wanted.

But for his own damn unconscious to do it? For his own fucking mind, the only place where he can run to escape the reality of being fucking rejected every single day? For a dream to give him everything he ever wanted only to cruelly wrench it away to leave nothingness behind!?

He can’t.

He can’t do it.

Virgil trembled. Raw. Exposed. Weak. Virgil pulled his blankets up as close to himself as he could possibly get, cocooning himself in the piles of fabric as he shook. His chest was hollow, a burning emptiness that couldn’t be filled. No matter how tightly he curled up, he can’t seem to disappear. To stop existing like everyone else wanted.

He was still fucking here.

Making things harder for Logan. Scaring Patton. Making it difficult for Roman to create anything. Ruining Thomas’ fucking life.

He doesn’t belong here.

He doesn’t belong with them.

Virgil with his dark room and dark curtains. With the spiders crawling happily in the corners of his room. With the cobwebs and the candles and the shadows that danced when no one was looking. He shouldn’t be here.

He shouldn’t exist.

He just wanted to disappear.

The clock on his wall, the distorted clock that no one else but a freak like him can read, stared menacingly back at him. Only a few hours left until Thomas wakes up. Only a few hours left until he gets called in to be mocked and belittled and reminded of how much he doesn’t fit in with anyone. How much he doesn’t belong.

Only a few hours left.

Virgil can’t do this.

He can’t.

He just can’t.

Virgil wiped his tears off on the edge of his blanket.

He continued to tremble.

Was it too fucking much to want Thomas to stop treating him like a nuisance? Was it too fucking much to ask? Is. Is- is thinking of being a part of the discussion as an equal a baseless fantasy? A- a dream that would never come to fruition!? Is it too much to be fucking appreciated!?

He can’t.

Just.

Enough.

Enough.

He’s not going to show up. No matter how much they call him, no matter how much he wants to be there and listen to Roman’s dumb jokes or Logan’s attempts at sounding cool or Patton’s relentless puns, Virgil’s not going to show up.

He’s not showing up. He’s going to quit. If Thomas and the other Sides were better off without him, then fine. They can have their perfect world where Virgil wasn’t there to ruin the fun, where he won’t throw a wrench in the plan, where he won’t crush their dreams, where he won’t bring in a storm cloud to fuck everything up.

Fuck it.

He can’t.

Not anymore. Not after that.

_ I want to disappear _ . Virgil’s fists shook, his breath stuttered, his vision swam.  _ I don’t want to exist. I want to disappear. I want to fucking disappear. _

_ I want to fucking die. _

_ Just let me disappear. _

_ I can’t do this anymore. _

_ Let me disappear. _

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to know what I'm writing next click over [HERE](https://crownonymous.tumblr.com/sched)  
> If you want to stay updated on the progress I've made on my fics click [HERE](https://crownonymous.tumblr.com/tagged/crownonynews)  
> And if you want to come say hi or just get bombarded with random posts, you can find me over [HERE](https://landofsaltandshade.tumblr.com/)  
> If you’re interested in more Sanders Sides post, my TS Sideblog is over [HERE](https://hufflepuff-deceit.tumblr.com/fanfic)


End file.
